Not quite myself

In the past few weeks, I've had some bad interactions with people, where I didn't start out to get into an argument but I wound up in one. I started feeling pretty downtrodden because of it, and was feeling sorry for myself because I feel like such a sore thumb in this world. There's no one like me, that's for sure. I've been sounding like a teenager, and I'm a grown woman! Well, these arguments have made me wary of even talking to people. I feel like it's ok for other people to have any opinion, no matter how they present it and no matter if it could be construed as offensive to anyone, but as soon as I believe in something strongly, people want to yell, scream, beat my ideas down, and generally get me to shut up.

So I was driving today and I found a CD at the bottom of the stack. It's a record I've loved since I lived in Virginia but I haven't listened to it in a while. I once quoted one of the lines from this record on this very blog, when people were arguing with me in the comment boxes, saying that I had no right to have an opinion. I said that while other people may want to silence my voice, "I'll never shut up and I'll never behave." The song may not have been written with my personal struggle in mind, but it helps me have confidence in my own beliefs, and in the notion that I have a right to have beliefs. This band, The Unseen, well, they may be quite different people from me (because everyone is) but their lyrics often give me a sense of empowerment. I need to listen to them more at times when other people want to silence my voice, or belittle me, or tell me that I'm alone in this world so I should keep my ideas locked up inside me with no outlet. So for my own edification, when I look back on this blog in the future when I feel downtrodden, here's a few Unseen lyrics, so I don't forget that I have rights too, no matter how different I am and how differently I was raised.

Resist, rebel, stand up for yourself
They will try to bring you down
One day those tables will be turned around
Stand defiant, don't be fooled

Stand up for yourself and what you believe
As long as you're true to yourself, there's nothing you can't achieve!
There comes a time when you may find yourself down and beaten
No hope, no future, total utter abandon
But you gotta take control, rise up outta nothing

Funnily enough, this whole phase I'm going through reminds me of a modern, pop-country song I used to hear all the time as a kid in Alabama. The singer said, "you've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything." That statement by a silly band has followed me and come to the front of my mind constantly since I was a young kid, meaning that this has been with me for more than half my life. I may hate pop country, but I love this statement. I do have my beliefs, and there's nothing wrong with that.

For now, I'll probably remain quiet. That's not like me, and I kind of hate myself for it. It's not very punk rock to let others shut your voice down. It's not punk to let the negative behaviors of a minority shut down your aspirations to be positive, strong, independent, and in control of your life. It's not punk to let other people's insistence on proliferating negative lifestyles stop you from spreading positive ideals. But I've lost confidence and I've lost the deep conviction that I have a right to my thoughts and a right to speak them.