Dear clothing industry,
I know we haven’t talked in a while. Ok, I know we haven’t talked ever. But the time has come for us to make amends. By now you may have given up on me, taking my indifference to your offerings to mean what it does: that I hate you. But I realize now that this isn’t serving me. It used to work somewhat. You looked down on me, I looked down on you, and we both got by just fine. But now, your complete disinterest in my needs is beginning to affect me. This has been a long time coming. At first, I didn’t realize that your pants didn’t fit me, but as time went on, it became clearer. I used to be willing to wear pants that only fit somewhat, but now I cannot get pants that even pretend to fit. This has to stop. Fashion industry, we need to talk. This doesn’t end with pants, so I will air out my grievances in every category here.

1. Not everyone wants to look like a hippie. Of the people who are left, not all of them want to look like hoochies. Of the remaining people, not all of them want to look like moms, teenagers, ravers, yuppies, or businesswomen. What’s left? Admittedly, no one in particular. No one but me. Please, invent another person. I have. I don’t like peasant skirts. I don’t like frilly, ruffley things. I don’t like jeans that accentuate my all-too-round bottom. I just need clothes.
2. People need basic pieces. Not half-pieces. So, when you want to sell me ¾ sleeves, shirts whose top button is in the center of my boobs, or pants that come down to my mid-calf, you are doing me a disservice. Sure, I can see there is a demand for those things, but please try keeping a few basic items in stock for people who need them. Sell some shirts that have full-length sleeves. Please! I really shouldn’t have to beg for something so simple.
3. Women sometimes have curves. I know it’s not in fashion. I also recognize that I’m a little too curvy at the moment. But I shouldn’t have to try on 15 pairs of jeans and not find one pair that fits. It seems as though in designing pants, you have assumed that we are all either rail thin or obese. I say this because in trying on four different sizes of pants in multiple cuts, I did not find one pair of pants that fit. I found size 10s that were a little too tight, size 8s in the same cut at the same store that were too loose, size 9s at a different store that were too tight, size 11s at that same store that were too long and too tight, but NO pants that fit. I found pants that fit in the front and stuck way out in the back, I found pants that were too baggy all the way around, I found pants that I couldn’t pull up over my thighs, I found pants that squeezed my middle-fat most impolitely, but none that could be worn in polite company. I did find jeans that fit just fine until I sat down, and then they gaped out in the back so far that others in my vicinity would be forced to see parts of me that they should not ever have to see. I also found plenty of mom-jeans. You know, the kind that fit around the waist and then give you ample thigh room that even I can’t fill at this point. Also, your pants don’t have big enough pockets. Now don’t tell me, I know: women aren’t supposed to put things in their pockets. It’s un-ladylike. But I have to. Consider item four:
4. Your purses suck. So much so that I can’t find one that I like even a little bit. So I just don’t use them at all.
5. Let’s get to shoes. I’m sure you think that because you have probably 5 million different types available that there has to be something that will work for me. But your lack of consideration for human physiology has led to two major problems for me: plantar fasciitis and emerging bunions. That’s right, the shoes you made available to me my whole life were so bad for me that they ruined my feet and I am now under orders from my doctor to wear no shoes except for hiking boots or the type of orthopedic shoes that are so unflattering that even I won’t wear them. Now, pair this with the fact that you won’t sell pants that fit me, and I’m looking at a future of wearing sundresses paired with hiking boots. Thanks. Now I can be an extra unique individual.

I have a wish list, fashion industry. Here it is:

1. I want a pair of pin-stripe pants. These pants should fit me in every dimension. The stripes shouldn’t be too ostentatious or too subtle. Walk a middle line.
2. I want button-down shirts that I can wear to work. I want them in all colors and with sleeves that go down to my wrist. I’m not muscular, so I don’t think it’s too much to ask that the sleeves fit my biceps and give me room to hug somebody or stretch my arms out. I want the shirt to not be cut for a man: take the fact that I have boobs into consideration please.
3. I want five pairs of jeans. I want them to be dark in color and striking. I want people to notice them, but not for how horrible they fit. I want them to not show my butt-crack when I sit down or bend over. I don’t need your help pre-ripping them because I will wear them till they are rags anyway. I want them to make me look a little taller than I am. I want them to make my legs look skinny but I don’t want them to squeeze my legs when I sit all day at work. I want them to accentuate my posterior but not make it unavoidable in the train-wreck category. I want my jeans to say, “I’m not a mom!” And ideally, I’d like my jeans to lie and shout, “I’m cool! I’m fun! I’m interesting and you want to be my friend.”
4. I want shoes that meet my orthopedist’s rules and match a dress. The rules are:
a. Stiff, supportive heel
b. Wide toe-box that does not push my big toe inward
c. Soles that do not move when you attempt to twist them in the middle
d. Supportive arch
5. I want a sling purse that’s not too big or not too small. It should come down to my waist and stand out. It should have a flap that closes and that I can open quickly. I need room for a wallet, phone, and keys at a minimum. Maybe if there were room to shove my lunch in there too for a spare sweater, it would be perfect. In terms of look, I’m willing to buy two purses, but wouldn’t it be nice if I had a purse that I could wear to work, church, and out on the town? Hmm?
6. I want lots of cheap, high quality, long-sleeved undershirts that will keep me warm.
7. I want leggings that are thick and come up to my knees or mid-thigh for winter, because I get really cold in Portland.

The overall message is that I want to stand out in a good way. I want my clothes to be fun but please don’t call me funky. I want to wear the same clothes to work and into the pit at a concert that same night. And above all, I want everything to fit.